I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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