Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
