Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
