how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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