These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
