tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
