Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
