If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
