she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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