I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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