He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
