i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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