Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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