Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
