i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
