Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My balls are so social today.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
