There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
