have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
