At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
