Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
