Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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