Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
