Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
