Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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