I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
