If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
