We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
