A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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