threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
