You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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