I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
