This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
