Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
