May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
