The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
