Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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