mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
