My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
