this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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