can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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