Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
