Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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