Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
