Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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