Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
