GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
