i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
