so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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