I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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