Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
