Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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