Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
