Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
