in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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