I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
