I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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